The Season I’ve Feared the Most (a post boot camp update)

The past five days were spent in Gainesville, Georgia at boot camp, where I got to see my future home for 6 weeks, get to know my family for 9 months, and discover the deep love the Father has for me for eternity. To be completely honest, it is so difficult to find words for these past days. Words won’t ever fully do them justice, but I will tell you that the hearts shifts, the tears, the hugs, the worship, the vulnerability that happened inside of the sweet family we call Gap H was something I have never experienced. I thought my best option would be to share some scribbly journal thoughts I wrote while up in the clouds on my way home to Austin. 

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“Its hard to use words to journal my time meeting my family. Endless lessons learned, heart changes, and beautiful memories. I am giving my life up. I am surrendering. I am ready to grow. Ready to evolve. Meeting my squad was one of the most pivotal moments I will never forget. Not even just meeting them in the airport, but getting to know the depths of their hearts, what makes them unique, what they love about Jesus, and what they want to learn.

I got to experience community (or true bliss I should say). I have learned the importance of having brothers, men of God that love Him with all of their hearts to model as leaders. I learned that sisterhood can be complicated, but one of THE greatest joys when love and humility come knocking. I got to smile my biggest smiles as I cleaned trash up and wiped tables in the pouring rain with no rain jacket and only my airport clothes, happy for that much needed shower the Lord gave me that morning. I got to weep and radically pray over my squad family as we invited the Holy Spirit to do what He wanted. I got to shed tears for the unheard, the lost souls, and dance/scream sing worship my absolute heart out. We dance because freedom is so readily available, did you know that? I giggled and felt giddy as I shoved my soaking wet tent into a stuff sack in the rain, hurrying to make it on time to eat my breakfast banana around the table with the souls of hungry (very spiritually, also very physically) young men and women. I had the chance to be softened, with my walls slowly crumbling, ready to surrender everything to my Creator. Every desire, every lie, every comfort, every plan, it’s all His. the joy I felt these past five days is indescribable. I learned that life is meant to be lived, and that entitlement is the barrier we let get in between us and our opportunity to play a part in bringing heaven to earth.

‘Being a missionary is not just overseas, but right where you are’ is so often said in the church, but are we living this out? or is it something we write in our notebook only to close it until next Sunday? Who have you not been actively loving, I mean deep loving in your life, that you really need to be? I had to challenge myself, if I was to pray over someone, tell the airport worker about Jesus, step down and be the least, would I have a deep care for what others think? I realized this was going to be hard. This was going to be a stretching journey. But the sacrifice is so worth it. I have never been more joyful than during the days I showered with only a bucket, shared one plate of food with 8 people, and woke up at 5:30 every morning to every bird you could imagine, who were also scream singing and dancing to our Creator.

During boot camp, I learned to live above myself. Deny your flesh, because there is SO much freedom on the other side of obedience. Five days of porta-potties, bucket showers, group teeth brushing sessions in the woods, sweaty spikeball games, and no mirrors will really help fix your gaze on what’s important. We took pictures to capture memories, we couldn’t sit disconnected from each other waiting to see how many likes our instagram posts received. It took us back to simplicity and spurred us to love even more. I will never be an expert at all of these things, but all I know is that I am free. There is nothing else on earth, not one thing, that can bring the absolute life-giving bliss that the Lord does.

As I bought my trail mix (dinner) during my 8 hour wait for my delayed flight, I got to live out the love I had experienced from gap H beyond the AIM campus. As the cashier opened up to me about his struggles of being void of joy in his season of life and how he wishes he could have some of my joy, I got to share with him that he absolutely can. And as I prayed over him, out loud and receiving multiple stares, it couldn’t have felt more right. People are hurting, the question is will we be the ones to go out of our way beyond our to do lists and selfish desires to actually care? My point of this story is to show that anyone can love. I didn’t perform an amazing cool thing or let any of my destructive actions of the past determine if I can share love with this man. The more I know God the more I know what it means to love. Anyone can start now. Your palms sweat, you risk rejection, but our world is hurting and if we’re not the hands and feet of Jesus, who will be?

There are parts of me that fear going home from these 5 days. Falling back into old habits is scary. Then I remember the strength that is given to me. I will continue to rejoice. I will continue to worship. I will bring hope to the Earth through Jesus. Not once have I seen anything bring people together like our God.”

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This was truly a raw and real journal entry, me pouring out my heart. I am in the season I’ve always feared the most. Yes you heard that right. A huge percentage of high school was spent in constant anxiety of life after those 4 years. Who knew that the chapter of life that I spent continually fearful of could be the one I am the most expectant and excited for. That’s what following Jesus does to you. I am uncomfortable, but I have never felt more peace. 81 days until I see my gap H family again, and 81 days until I officially start my 9 month journey. But my pursuit of Jesus, my desire to love, my surrendering of my entitlement starts now. 

I’m ready to give it all up, to love a lost world no matter what I takes. Whatever that looks like in your life, will you join me?

i love you! – mg 🙂